Disclaimer!
This article is for educational purposes; it aims to inform and provide language, not for self-diagnosis or to be used to diagnose others. With knowledge comes responsibility and a duty to use knowledge with compassion and love. Always consult with a professional and seek professional advice before jumping to conclusions. Due to the esoteric nature of this topic, we strive to make knowledge accessible to all. The reality is that narcissists do not walk around with badges that say, "I am a narcissist - proceed with caution.” The goal of this article is to help you identify the warning flags that you or a loved one is in danger. Unfortunately, this personality disorder is often hidden, and you will have to figure it out with time and concrete evidence and the help of a professional.
So, what is a narcissist?
In the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, narcissism is classified under Cluster B personality disorders. To understand narcissism, we need to understand what a personality disorder is. First, let us learn about the difference between a mental health disorder and a personality disorder.
A mental disorder refers to thoughts or actions in an individual that cause distress or impair day-to-day activities and relationships. With the right therapy and tools, anyone can heal or learn to manage a disorder. However, a personality disorder refers to patterns that impair thinking, behavior, and relationships, also known as "maladaptive patterns of behavior." A personality disorder is like a facade created by the narcissist to protect them from rejection, vulnerability, others, and reality.
Do narcissists know they have a problem?
Individuals with personality disorders rarely know or are aware that they have a personality disorder. If they are aware, they often love who they are, as it has helped them survive/succeed. Professionals often describe them as chameleons and master manipulators, usually driven by conflict and a desire for control.
Narcissism is complex; in psychology, narcissism is divided into two types: Covert and Overt narcissism. Not all narcissists are the angry, hostile, mad-at-the-world person you may be thinking of; narcissism is not seen in plain sight, as they are master manipulators, and it often takes a professional to spot the pattern. A narcissist can also be the "vulnerable narcissist," people who are the "victim"; they do all things for everyone, "the humanitarian," the ones who "appear modest and self-assured," but they are threatened by honesty and directness. This article focuses on Covert Narcissism.
Dr. Ramani (the leading expert in narcissism says that if you have been in a relationship with a narcissist for over three months, you need a year to "detox" and heal. Conflict with a narcissist impacts your physiology and mental health, so professional help is essential.
What are Covert narcissists like?
While some people enjoy offering advice and helping others with life's challenges, a covert narcissist will use this kindness as a weapon of leverage in the relationship. They want to shower you with acts of kindness and come across as trustworthy; however, their kind behavior hides alterior motives. We often take their "acts of kindness" at face value when, in reality, the meaning of their behavior can mean many things, such as:
I really need you to admire me. “Look at how much I sacrifice for you, its your turn to pay it back.”
I need you to adore me. Mother taking daugther’s compliment, “She got the humility from me, I teach her, x. y. z.”
I really need you to need my actions because no one will treat you like I do. "You are lucky to have me in your life."
I want to prove to you how well-put-together I am.
Now that I have been nice, it will be impossible for you to disagree with me. Which, in the future, the narcissist will cash in their "chips." You owe me your loyalty/praise.
"If you and I have a problem, it must be your fault. I am the victim, you are the perpetrator."
They are not interested in conflict resolution, only in winning (all you can do is recognize the "game" and refuse to "play" with their rules).
They try to write the agenda in terms of relationships (how things will unfold). If you do not abide by their rules, you are in the wrong.
How does this affect the person in the relationship? The relationship is not a safe place; your nervous system is on fire; you feel as if whatever you do is never enough; there is codependency in the relationship; you feel as if staying is dangerous, but leaving sounds terrifying; you constantly question your reality; constant fear of messing up in the relationship.
How Narcissism works:
Control and manipulation, but if control and manipulation fail,
They escalate to victimize themselves or embrace pure emotional volatility (they lash out, create drama, gossip, anything to try to overwhelm you with intensity; they triangulate the situation, or victimize themselves).
A technique used to help you navigate these relationships:
The Gray Rock Method:
Be as dull as a gray rock; deliberately act uninteresting and "boring to engage with" so that the abusive person will lose interest in you. Give short, straightforward answers that don't show emotional vulnerability, don't explain how they hurt you, and don't show them how they have affected you (you will go nowhere; they feed off your emotional turmoil). Keep your emotional composure, and when you leave the situation (when it is safe and you are not with them, process your emotions with a therapist. Interacting with a narcissist is hard. Seek professional help, as not everyone will understand. Calling out the narcissist will not help you, them, or anyone around them (keep reading to see why).
You cannot engage in healthy conflict with a narcissist. Why?
Narcissists function through manipulation, not reason. You may think that if you explain yourself well and logically, they'll understand, but they don't care about anything that doesn't serve them or fit their plan. They are busy shaping their image and maintaining control over their agenda.
Observe their behavior for a while and let that behavior speak for itself - if you are dealing with a narcissist, accept the reality - do not try to change them (seek professional help, as every case and degree of narcissism is navigated differently). A narcissist cannot take responsibility for themselves authentically (it is always twisted apologies and twisted "awareness" You have to understand that this personality disorder is carefully crafted to protect the narcissist from the trauma in their life (protection from their reality - they are scared inside and emotionally vulnerable). You cannot reason with them; they need to pursue their healing journey, and you need to learn how to navigate these conversations wisely, in a way that honors both them and yourself.
Common tactics in conflict include making you feel guilty, questioning your reality, and cashing in their chips.
Can you implement boundaries with a narcissist?
Note: most of the time there is no boundary that you can implement that they will respect. They feed off conflict and manipulation. They do not have a high regard for you, as they can be dismissive and argumentative about your needs. These individuals are not cooperative; they struggle with self-control making boundaries very difficult.
You must be willing to stand alone:
A common tactic of the narcissist is to isolate you - they are masters at turning people against you. This means you may need to find new people. You need to stay connected (trust your judgement and refuse to let someone else decide who is in your corner). When they see that you are too healthy to be controlled and manipulated, they will then escape and try to destroy how others perceive you.
The narcissist is determined to defame you and distort how others see you. You need to understand that you cannot fight a battle on their terms; they have already determined the outcome (they will do everything in their power to get their way). The more you defend yourself, the more you feed their attempt to control you. Instead, you need to use the gray rock method, letting them talk and letting their actions speak for themselves. Rest in this truth: time exposes the truth; sooner or later, it comes to light. Lies are like the "Fabric of Reality" clinical psychologist Jordan Peterson mentions; sooner or later, the continuation of twisting that fabric will cause it to lash out. Lies come to the light sooner or later.
How to tell people that you are dealing with a narcissist:
You don't, unless they are a mental health professional or have endured the pain of surviving narcissistic abuse. Oftentimes, a narcissist is an "angel" in public, but behind closed doors, they show a different side of the coin. This is one of the reasons survivors question their reality: "Is it really that bad? They are so kind and selfless with others, but behind closed doors, it's a different story. It's not authentic kindness, as it is done to later 'cash in their chips." Seek help, build up your identity, and learn how to find safe people! Healing is possible, and boundaries are non-negotiables! Best of luck - Redemptive Hope!!!
Narcissism is a personality disorder.
Want to learn more? Check out the personality disorder series coming up on our Instagram, @redemptivehope, where we've created three posts to explain them further
