Why did I leave therapy feeling off when I know Its working?
Therapy is hard work. You are facing fears, wounds, trauma, hurt, and all the things that could have been "easier" left uncovered. Sooner or later, the brain wants to heal, so congratulations on initiating the process.
You are brave to go to therapy; you are! Every session is different. Some leave us encouraged and ready to face the world, while others feel hard, gloomy, or can resurface past fears.
It is usual for an array of emotions to present themselves. Now, let me organize the most common issues I hear on this topic and share tips on what to do.
Shame:
Healthy shame communicates a limitation. In contrast, toxic shame is a "core belief" that there is something defective about oneself. Toxic shame will often weave itself into your healing story; it's like quicksand attempting to pull you down every time you try to get up. The narrative of toxic shame is "hide and cover-up." The antidote to that toxic shame story is to be safely known. When we heal, we decide to stop hiding and start healing - that is uncomfortable. In therapy, we use the word opposite action, which means to do the opposite of what the destructive "feeling" wants to do."
Action: (Anger) I want to yell and punch a wall. Opposite action: I will hug a pillow and whisper.
Action: (Fear) I want to hide and run away. Opposite action: Brainstorm questions to ask and approach the situation.
Action: (shame) hide cover-up. Opposite action: be known in a safe community. Keep going; the process is worth it!
Please recognize the common lies that shame tries to use to hinder your growth:
Perfectionism: having unrealistic standards about what your story should look like, what you should/should not struggle with/do, etc. The desire is to be flawless, but the result is crippling anxiety and shame. It is hard to heal if we do not name the issue.
Attachment issues: The false belief that you are not worthy of being known or a healthy connection. This is often accompanied by harsh criticism about oneself and negative self-talk. Since we first reject ourselves, we assume that everyone else sees us as low as we see ourselves. This self-rejection makes us susceptible to unhealthy relationships. Learn more on the styles of attachments here @redemptivehope
Fear of rejection: The belief that we will "be rejected" is toxic shame, convincing us that we are too much, not enough, worthless goods, etc. This battle targets our identity: "Am I enough as a person." Practice the truth about what makes you unique, special, and worthy, and rehearse that truth in your brain. Toxic shame gets in the way of connection because we fear rejection.
So what do we do?
Practice emotional boundaries with your past and present hurt.
When dealing with past trauma:
It's hard to leave issues in the room when the issue you are working on is a present issue; this technique works with past trauma. (stay tuned for a present technique). Imagine a treasure box that you leave and lock in the therapy room. Or when you get to your car after you leave your session, practice this: "healing is a process. I am working on my redemption journey, but I am not doing this alone; I will let the therapy room be my safe space to process, and when I leave, that stays in the box/room. Healing is a process, and if it pops up during my day, I will send it back to the box." Sometimes epiphanies come up; do not try to explore them outside of the session if they cause you emotional distress; write them in a notebook and bring them to the session; one day in your healing journey, you will be able to explore it all on your own, but when we initiate the healing journey- It requires patience and grace.
When dealing with present hurt:
This is a real challenge! We often process in therapy what we are struggling with in the present moment; there is no running away when we go back to the places that cause hurt. Your emotional boundary may look more physical or practical.
Leave the triggering environment as much as possible. Have a plan in action and repeat it outside of being in the "trigger room/area."
For example, if I am working on not gossiping and when I hang out with these three friends, I am tempted to tear people down, I will practice having fruitful conversations before I get dinner with them. If I catch myself "relapsing," I will get up and remind myself of the goal. Give yourself grace when you "relapse" or struggle. Failing is part of the process. It's about what you do after you fall. Remember, progress, not perfection.
Physiology:
Take care of your physiology first: Are you sleep-deprived? If so, you will be emotionally heightened. Did you fuel yourself enough? If not, you will be more prone to anxiety, anger, or headaches.
Therapy tools:
Journal, journal, journal and implement therapeutic techniques. This is the time to examine your cognitive distortions; what lies are you believing? Phone a trusted friend, share your thoughts, and ask them to explain the lie.
Be patient:
No part of your story is wasted. No one heals alone. We need community, therapists, friends, and family—it can be discouraging when we lack their support. So find your people and let them help.
Practice self-compassion:
What would you tell someone who is struggling like you are? Would you shame them? Then you are projecting, and that is not healthy. Would you encourage them? Support them? We are often the worst and most harsh critics of ourselves.
Get away:
Seriously, get a change of scenery. Go on a walk if you cannot get out, read a book, watch a wholesome movie, create a music playlist, and listen to it. Start a new mindless hobby such as puzzles, making bracelets, diamond painting, or number painting, and pair that with a mindless show such as House Hunters or Discovery Channel. Get out of your head and look for ways to volunteer and help your community. Getting out and doing something helps the brain cope with the pressing challenge.
Keep going!!! This is the transformation your generations will benefit from! You are so brave by choosing to draw the line in the sand and tell trauma “enough” it’s time we begin to walk in freedom!
