How to engage with a Narcissist?
Narcissists do not walk around with badges that say, “I am a narcissist - proceed with caution.” Unfortunately, you will have to figure it out.
So, what is a narcissist?
In the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, narcissism is classified under Cluster B personality disorders. To understand narcissism, we need to understand what a personality disorder is.
A disorder refers to thoughts or actions in an individual that cause distress or impair day-to-day activities and relationships. With the proper therapy and tools, anyone can heal or learn to mitigate disorders. However, a personality disorder refers to patterns that impair thinking, behavior, and relationships, also known as “maladaptive patterns of behavior.” This is an identity carefully crafted to protect them from reality.
Do narcissist know they have a problem?
Individuals with personality disorders rarely know or are aware that they have a personality disorder. If they are aware, they often love the way that they are as it has helped them survive/succeed. They are chameleons, master manipulators, driven by conflict and control.
Narcissism is complex; in psychology, we talk about Covert and Overt narcissism. Not all narcissists are the angry, hostile, mad at the world person you may be thinking of; narcissism is not seen in plain sight, as they are master manipulators, and it often takes a professional to spot them. A narcissist can also be the “vulnerable narcissist,” people who are the “victim,” they do all things for everyone, “the humanitarian,” the ones who “appear modest and self-assured,” but they are threatened by honesty and directness. This article focuses on Cover Narcissim.
Dr. Ramani (the leading expert in narcissism says that if you have been in a relationship with a narcissist for over three months, you need a year to “detox” and heal.
What are Covert narcissist like?
There are very intelligent individuals who enjoy offering advice and assisting others with life's challenges. They want to shower you with acts of kindness and come across as very trustworthy people; however, behind their actions, there are hidden meanings to their kind behavior. We often take their “acts of kindness” at face value when in reality the meaning of their behavior can mean many things, such as:
I really need you to admire me.
I need you to adore me.
I really need you to need my actions because no one will treat you like I do, “you are lucky to have me in your life.”
I am trying to prove to you how well-put-together I am.
Now that I have been nice, it will be impossible for you to be counter to me. Which in the future they cash in their “chips” You owe me your loyalty/praise.
“If you and I have a problem, it must be your fault __ I am the victim, you are the perpetrator.”
They are not interested in conflict resolution, only in winning (all you can do is recognize the “game” and refuse to “play” with their rules).
They try to write the agenda in relationships (this is how things will go).
How they work:
Control and manipulation, but if control and manipulation fail,
They escalate to victimize themselves or embrace pure emotional volatility (they lash out, create drama, gossip, anything to try to overwhelm you with intensity, they triangulate the situation, or victimize themselves).
A technique used to help you survive:
The Gray Rock Method:
Be as dull as a gray rock, deliberately act uninteresting and “boring to engage with” so that the abusive person will lose interest in you. Give short and straightforward answers that do not provide emotional vulnerability, do not explain how they have hurt you, and do not show them how they have affected you (you will go nowhere; they feed off your emotional turmoil). Keep your emotional composure, and when you leave the situation (when it is safe and you are not with them, process your emotions with a therapist. Interacting with a narcissist is hard. Seek professional help, as not everyone will understand. Calling out the narcissist will not help you, them, or anyone around them (keep reading to see why).
You cannot engage in healthy conflict with a narcissist, why?
Narcissists function through manipulation, not reason. You may think that if you explain yourself well and logically, they understand - they do not care about anything that does not serve them or go according to their plan. They are busy shaping their image and maintaining control over their agenda.
Observe their behavior for a while and let that behavior speak for itself - if you are dealing with a narcissist, accept the reality - do not try to change them (seek professional help, as every case and degree of narcissism is navigated differently). A narcissist cannot take responsibility for themselves authentically (it is always twisted apologies and twisted “awareness” You have to understand that this personality disorder is carefully crafted to protect the narcissist from the trauma in their life (protection from their reality - they are scared inside and emotionally vulnerable). You cannot reason with them; they need to pursue their healing journey, and you need to learn how to navigate these conversations wisely, in a way that honors both them and yourself.
Their common tactics in conflict: they strive to make you feel guilty, question your reality, cash in their chips, etc.
Can you implement boundaries with a narcissist?
Note: there is no boundary that you can implement that they will respect. They feed off conflict and manipulation. They want to fill you in on who they are, or diffuse you boundaries. They do not have a high regard for you as they can be dismissive and argumentative about your needs. These individuals are not cooperative; they struggle with self-control.
You must be willing to stand alone:
A common tactic of the narcissist is to isolate you - they are masters at turning people against you. This means you may need to find new people. You need to stay connected (trust your judgement and refuse to let someone else decide who is in your corner). When they see that you are too healthy to be controlled and manipulated, they will then escape and try to destroy how others perceive you.
The narcissist is determined to defame you and distort how others see you. You need to understand that you cannot fight a battle on their terms; they have already determined the outcome (they will do everything in their power to get their way). The more you defend yourself, the more you feed their attempt to control you. Instead, you need to use the gray rock method, letting them talk and letting their actions speak for themselves. Rest in this truth: time exposes the truth; sooner or later, it comes to light. Lies are like the “Fabric of Reality” clinical psychologist Jordan Peterson mentions; sooner or later, the continuation of twisting that fabric will cause it to lash out. Lies come to the light sooner or later.
How to tell people that you are dealing with a narcissist:
You don’t unless they are a mental health professional or have endured the pain of surviving narcissistic abuse - they will not undestand. Oftentimes, a narcissist is an “angel” in public, but behind closed doors, they show a different side of the coin. This is one of the reasons survivors question their reality: “Is it really that bad? They are so kind and selfless with others but behind closed doors its a different story. It's not authentic kindness, as it is done to later “cash in their chips.” Seek help, build up your identity and learn how to find safe people! Healing is possible and boundaries are non negotiables! Best of luck, Redemptive Hope!!!
Narcissism is a personality disorder
Want to learn more? Check out the personality disorder series coming up on our Instagram, @redemptivehope, where we've created three posts to explain what a personality disorder is (post publishing soon, stay tuned)!
